TRAIN UP A CHILD...

Question: There is a verse in the Bible that causes me a great deal of shame or pain or guilt – I really don’t know which! "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Prov 22:6 (NIV) One of my children has not gone to church since she left our home and is living a very rebellious life, and I can’t help but feel that this verse is telling me that if I had just trained her right this would not be happening.

Answer: This great proverb has been the source of more heartache than you can imagine. If you'll forgive me for writing a little more than usual in this answer, I hope we can begin to heal some of that hurt. Here is the pattern that leads to the heartache.

Even when our kids are small, we begin to worry whether they will make the right choices in life. As Christian parents we'd like to have a GUARANTEE that our kids will follow God even more fully than we have. With that desire we come across this verse and think, “That´s it! God has promised that I'll always have great children."

But then IT happens.

Your child has a rough time at intermediate or college. They fall in with the wrong friends, and the heart for God that you had hoped for them is nowhere to be seen.

Then comes the thought that brings all of the heartache. "If God promised that if I'd only raise my kids right, they wouldn't turn away... what's wrong? God's promise can't fail, so maybe there is something wrong with the way that I raised my children." We may never voice that thought to anyone, but not far below the surface it is there.

Let me say three things if you are struggling with this. Even those who are not parents will, no doubt, have an opportunity to share these encouragements with someone someday.

• In this world, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. This proverb is not about guaranteeing that your kids will turn out perfectly if you're perfect, nor is it about blaming yourself for the fact that you are less than perfect. We live in an imperfect world.
  
  
• In heaven, there is a perfect Parent. God's actions towards us are always perfect, never selfish and filled with constant love. Yet, look at how many of His children have turned away from that love. It started in the garden of Eden! If God's perfect love towards us cannot guarantee that none of His children will ever fall away, how can we put that burden on our parenting? Your teaching cannot violate their free will to do the wrong thing, any more than God's direction could keep Adam and Eve from eating the fruit on that tree.
  
  
• What, then, does this proverb mean? As with most of the book of Proverbs, it expresses a universal principle, not an individual promise. The key to understanding it is the key word "way". The word "way" means style, temperament, personality.
  
  The Amplified translation says, "Train a child in keeping with his individual gifts or bent."
  
  Each child is naturally fitted to go a certain direction. As a parent I must recognize the potential in my kids, the ability that they have and encourage them in the direction that they are naturally inclined to go with their talents, their abilities. That's what the verse is about.

The majority of the time, if you teach the right thing, your kids will end up doing the right thing in the end. However, problems in life often point people in a new direction and motivate us to change.

Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways." Pr. 20 :30 (GN)

"... It was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws." Ps 119:71-72 (LB)

Those biblical principles you gave your kids will have sunk in so deeply that when they feel the pain - they will know which way to turn.

Be encouraged.

Ian